I'm tired of me. Anyone care to take over control?

Yet two more friends from back in the day are expecting a child. I remember when he was with this idiot of a girl and dumped her by just not talking to her for a few weeks (which amuses me as that seems to be the way I'm going now).

I remember when they started dating and the hell it created at our attraction because he was a lead and she wasn't. The blatant favoritism had the staff in an uproar as she would be yanked from rotation without a replacement meaning that rotation froze for hours. I remember coming in as closing lead a few times and having to fix that chaos...

I remember him not being into her when they first started dating. It started as a pity thing because she was so into him and he was tired of being single. It turned into more. He proposed a couple of years later and now both are blissfully happy. I just found out they're expecting a baby boy...

And I'm watching the sort of relationship I'm in dissolve. Really? Seriously?

There are seriously some rules to this game that I'm completely missing. Maybe I just got fired for my ignorance because I didn't receive the employee handbook to know certain things.

Dude, I don't know what I did to my iTunes, but I think I need to rebuild my library completely on my computer. I went through and purged some files I no longer needed (song files, mind you), but I think I may have accidentally deleted some library file. All I know is now iTunes can no longer locate any songs, even the ones that I uploaded from a disc and not dl from torrents. That's going to be a pain, but I've already made a list of my artists and their albums that I have so I can start the process over again. Yay... unless some tech-wiz here has any ideas. I've googled the issue, but sites I've found deal with external hard drives. I really do think I managed to delete the wrong file...

Alas, I wait for teachers to start needing days off so I can sub. I mean, it's nice having days to really focus on school since I've got a big course load this semester (by choice), but I miss subbing. I was hanging out with Mike last night and he kept asking me about teaching. God, I really do miss it and at least with subbing, I can pretend again. Until then, I'll keep making coffee on the closing shift at Borders.

Boys suck. People accuse me of being too picky, as though I haven't found any guys to date because I'm overly critical. What these friends don't realize is that I've found guys I would readily date; they just won't date me. And the ones who do want to date me I wouldn't date because there is no attraction. How many times can I reiterate that I'm not going to date someone just to see where it goes? I can tell if I'm going to be into him or not and if I'm not, then I'm never going to be. Stop telling me to try when I know it's a certain failure because I know myself.

Though Cherisse did win last night with her loaded compliment - "You know what you want in a man because you've been alone long enough to figure it out." Thanks Cherrise, and you're absolutely right. :) And now I must attempt some homework before heading to work tonight. While my iTunes library is top priority, I've spent enough time on it this afternoon. I'll google some more later about the issue.

(Side note - the group next to me at Panera is discussing Jeff Dunham and it's killing me not to jump into their conversation because they're getting the jokes all wrong! Oh, and one just mentioned Guitar Guy... she has no idea what his name is... It's Brian Haner, you tool! He used to do session work for Frank Zappa for god's sake!)

If you don't admit the crush to yourself, then you won't walk away from a conversation feeling like the biggest tool out there. Go back to floating in the great crushless abyss you were happy in.

I've been shivering all day today, touching and rubbing my neck all because of that stupid dream last night.

It was part recurring dream, part tactile nightmare. The recurring part was that I worked in these mines with my family as a teen. Every evening we would take trains out of the mines back to the surface. Every time I have this dream, my father does not make it back to the surface and no one knows why. I run around the surface, trying to find radio contact down to the station point in the mine itself. But I can't. There's no radio contact and the sun is setting. We're not allowed near the mine entrance at sunset due to risks. We're never allowed in the mines after dark due to an unknown factor. But eff that, I'm going to get to my dad.

So I follow the tracks back down into the mines. Granted, this is a dream and I have no idea how long it takes or how deep I go, but I'm there. The thing with this mine is we have those... spinning lights near the tracks? The spinning lights like on an airport luggage carousel to let you know the carousel is active and your luggage is coming. I run around the sections of the mine I know, screaming for my dad, following the active lights. I can't find him. The tears are falling and I can't find my dad.

I curl up at the edge of one tracks, facing the spinning light and watching it go. I use my coat as a blanket, pulling it up to my chin and using the hood as a pillow (as best I can). I begin drifting off.

Something shuffles up behind me.

My eyes shoot open to stare at the spinning light. My entire body clenches, trying desperately to hold still.

I hear it get closer.

I can hear it sniffing.

Shit. My neck is exposed.

It comes up close to my body, my entire being held so tight that I'm starting to hurt. I concentrate on my breathing, keeping it deep and steady. The thing touches the back of my neck, nuzzling the skin there and the tears fall from my eyes. I don't want to move. I'm dying not to move and my body is hurting and my neck is burning from this nuzzling. But I'm holding still.

Until this thing licks and nips at the back of my neck. I groan and my head flies backwards even as my upper body surges forward. My head connects with this thing behind me. It hisses.

And teeth are suddenly in both sides of my neck, the sharp pain mingling with the hot breath on the back of my neck. The pain does nothing, but that breathing has surging forward again, screaming and trying to escape.

I wake up screaming into the comforter shoved into my mouth. I'm clawing at the blankets and trying to force the blankets further over my head than they already are (because realize, I tend to burrow when I sleep). I finally orient myself to wakefulness, wiping at my wet cheeks and shivering uncontrollably. I slap my hand to the back of my neck, trying to rub the sensory memory away from my skin. But it won't go away.

It won't fucking go away.

I tucked the blankets under my head so that they won't reveal any part of my body. My entire body is still tight, my breathing rapid and shaky. I know I'm in my bedroom. I know I'm alone, but I can't make it go away. I can't escape the thing that was breathing on me, nuzzling me, biting me. And my other thought - I never found my dad. I can't seem to wake up enough to think rationally. I can't wake up enough to stop my body from clenching, to stop the tears from falling, to tell myself that I am fine and it was just a nightmare.

I finally fall back asleep.

The first thing I did when I woke up was text my dad to say good morning. The relief I felt when he texted back was enough to relax me a little. But I can't get my neck to stop feeling this thing...

"You hurt the ones you love the most."

My pastor made this comment during the sermon today and I have to say, I completely disagree with it. The ones I love the most are the ones I desire to protect. Hannah (when she was alive), Cassie, my dad, Becca, other family and friends, my students - ok, pretty much everyone that falls under my love umbrella. But I want to protect these people and when I get in someone's face, it's not to hurt them. It's because something is wrong and needs to be fixed. If we hurt someone we love, it's completely unintentional and then I believe that we're hurt more than they are. But that's where my disagreement with the statement comes in.

I think the cliche should be -

"You hurt the ones who love you most."

Think about it. You don't know who loves you most of the time or you don't believe someone loves you as much as they say they do. These are the people that are going to hurt when they see you doing something self-destructive. These are the people that cry when they see you crying or collapse in tears if you're hurt physically.

The statements don't seem too different, but look at yourself. The people you love the most, that you would kill or die for - do you honestly hurt them with words or actions or are you trying to protect them because you love them so much? An example for me would be my little sister. I want to protect her and I want her to do well for herself. Nothing I do is going to hurt her. And while things I've said in the past may have hurt her, I sure as hell wasn't saying them because I loved her. In those moments of anger that I mouthed off, I was not loving her as my sister, but rather was treating her like any other moron I put up with in daily life.

But - and this is where I think my statement makes more sense - she was hurt by those statements because she loves me. Me loving her the most because she's my little sister had nothing to do with why she was hurting. She was hurting because she loved me the most.

And going back to my point about you don't know who loves you the most... You ever have that friend that you don't realize how close they are until suddenly they are by your side, crying with you, hurting for you when something happens? Cassie was that friend when Hannah died. I considered Cassie one of my best friends before Hannah died, but I didn't realize how close we were until that time. I wasn't hurting Cassie from loving her the most; rather, she was hurting because she loved me.

Another example - Daniel. Trust me, when we got into that huge fight that essentially ended a lifelong friendship (which thinking about often hurts more than thinking about Hannah's death), I wasn't hurting him because I loved him the most. He was hurting because he loved me. And vice versa. He wasn't hurting me because he loved me that most; I was hurting because I loved him and he couldn't see what was happening in my head.

So this was running around in my head during the remainder of the sermon, and I have no earthly idea what else was discussed. I think the sermon was about forgiveness in which case my statement definitely makes more sense. You definitely aren't asking forgiveness from those you love, but from those who love you. It all makes sense in my head and I'm sure if I step away then reread this, I can edit for a more coherent point...

1. My head hurts from seeing Public Enemies. I'm honestly still trying to decide if I liked it or not. I mean... Johnny Depp and Christian Bale are beautiful men and easy to watch. But the film itself was so disorienting. The story and timeline shifted so abruptly from scene to scene that I couldn't begin to tell you the approximate duration of this story. There were a few scenes that I thought were at night, but were really during the day because it was a different day from the night scene right before. I was never fully aware of where or when we were.

And holy Jesus, don't get me started on the cinematography. This guy needs a Razzie award. I get the whole handheld, POV shots, but dude. When I'm standing there with a group of people, my head is not twitching violently, shifting my world rapidly back and forth. Even when running, I don't have a sudden onset of Turretts with violent tics shifting my head back and forth. And why the crazy tight shots?! If you wanted to completely disorient your audience in terms of getting a bearing on location to other characters or location, you succeeded admirably. Dude, that tight shot on Bale's head towards the end of the movie - I had absolutely no freakin' clue where he was in relation to the theater or other agents of even the freakin' car he got out of. Just... it felt like they were trying to go Blair Witch on this flick, but even Blair Witch kept the viewer aware of location and time.

2. I don't even know what to think of Ang anymore. I have no problem with friends who play hook ups. Have at it, but stop freakin' deceiving yourself and stop lying to my face about the whole thing. Want to know why I get on you about it? Because I get so damn tired of you whining at me when you can't find a relationship. I get in your face because this is something you can change. This is something you should change if you know yourself and know you get emotionally involved. Obviously you fail at the hook up game. You can't accept it when the other person doesn't want a relationship with you. And I'm sorry - if you're sleeping with someone, claiming to be in a relationship (even if it's only dating), but it's not exclusive, then there is a horrible, horrible problem. This person is leading you on (and thank God you dumped him). But now you're all fubared in the head when it comes to men and sex and fuck if I'm not tired of you telling me I'm young and naive. I know myself and I know what I want and don't want. It's just that the guys I want don't want me.

3. I really can't stand the Dave Matthews Band. There is nothing about their music that appeals to me. I like blues and bluegrass, but I can't handle their style. I'm sure a lot of it is his voice.

4. I got bored and started going through my LJ memories since I saved an entry the other day and came across a saved post from a friend's journal - This one's for the girls....

Here I am, 26 and I still believe this. Not all the time, of course. Most of the time I'm just me, goofing off, laughing, having a good time. But every once in a while the thought hits me - I'm never going to be somebody's one. And it's not me being melodramatic or looking for encouragement (Jesus, if one more person tells me, Don't worry. He'll show up... I'm going to hit them after I roll my eyes and vomit slightly in my mouth). It's just a thought that runs through. I always told my students to back it up. Give me evidence. Well, my evidence is my track record with men. My one serious boyfriend that I knew wasn't the one. That relationship was slowly killing me and I had to get out. He's an awesome guy and I thank God he's getting it all together. He deserves a good woman. I'm not that woman. After him... really? *shakes her head* I tried the friends with benefits... there weren't too many benefits and it only happened a handful of times. (Literally... I can count on one hand the number of times this happened.)

But it is still a thought that runs through my head. Jenny read that book that says this thought is a lie; that believing I'm alone is a lie. Is it? I know I'm not alone when it comes to awesome friends. I have a couple of the best friends a girl could ask for, and I've got other close friends that I adore. I know I could hook up or date. Jesus, my self-esteem isn't that low; I'm not hideously unattractive. But I'm not going to date a guy that I'm not attracted to. And I'm sure as hell not going to date "to see where it goes." If your attraction to a man is to be questioned like that, then seriously... where do you think it's going to go? The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is a sexual/physical attraction. I don't care if you have a cooch or a cock when we hang out, chill, watch movies - girl or guy, I can hang out with you one on one without thinking twice about it. But to actually "date" you - I have to be physically attracted on top of the friendship stuff. There has to be a physical reaction to you. I can be attracted to guy, but not want to date him, just like I can be good friends with a guy and not want to date him. There better be both things there. And Jesus - I know the difference between a crush and a real attraction. I'm not going to date a crush. I don't want to date a crush.

5. Stupid LJ. Most of my posts end up being about boys and relationships because I get on a rant and keep going. It's hard to discuss political or news events when I have no one to bounce off of. I loathe being an adult riddled with teen angst. Blah... and that angst gets ratcheted up every time I hear a friend is getting married, having a baby, buying a house, etc. I'm floating... I'm 26 and floating. I don't know where I'll be next year. I don't know what I'll be doing next year.

And I'm fucking terrified. So please forgive the expletives.

Pastor Jake started a series today about living in the end times. Like, he went full on into political issues with Israel, Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, etc. He went into how because we've always been friendly to Israel (which is the center of everything as he discussed) that we might be spared a little. Or something of that sort... I was entranced by the issue of Israel being the center of everything. But apparently it really is the geographical center of the planet or something. It's also the central location for the three biggest religions on the planet - Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. It's the center of most strife going down in the mid-east (our invasion notwithstanding). I'll have to dl the podcast because it was an interesting sermon. Do I agree with everything said? Not everything... but I see his approach.

Granted, I take a fatalistic approach to the whole end times thing. If the end is near and Jesus is coming soon, so be it. It's been a while since I've done any Revelations studies (man, where's Bert when I need him). I think I'm in the camp of the thousand years of tribulation will be post-rapture. But hey, maybe the tribulation has been going on already and we're so cynical that it doesn't seem so bad. That would be entertaining... but seriously... why couldn't the Black Plague that wiped out half of Europe (or however many) be Death mentioned in Revelations 6:8 (they certainly thought it was...). I so don't remember what camp my old church fell into in terms of rapture and the tribulation. I'm racking my brain because I remember talking about it with Bert in bible study... but I cannot remember what the statement was. I need to actually get back into reading regularly. At least Revelations anyway because it's a fun book. Decide where I stand on tribulation (pre, mid, or post)... it'll give me something to do on those days I don't have a sub job anyway.

But anyway, I'm sitting in church flipping through Revelations since I haven't done it in a while. I had glanced through it when I started watching season 4 of Supernatural because they get into the seals and all that jazz. (I need to actually sit down and read it because I think they're going Catholic on it... which means added literature of the Apocrypha... because in Revelations, the angels are opening the seals and God is stronger than Satan so it's not like Satan's going to do something God is not aware of or not able to control.) Either way, I come across Revelations 18, the story of the great harlot of Babylon and the dragon. I'm reading along, and yes, I'm singing the song in my head, tapping my foot. And I come across the statement of "every unclean and detestable bird" (referring of course to vultures, crows, ravens, etc) and I started chuckling. I remember watching the commentary for the Beast and the Harlot music video and Rev said he always thought Shadows was saying "bird" instead of "burden". I always thought he was saying "bird" given the text, but meh, what do I know? No one pays Rev any attention when he says this so nothing in confirmed or denied. I'm assuming "bird" is right since Shadows nails the biblical content of the songs he bases off the stories. I don't have the liner notes anymore.

The girls sitting down the row from me turned and glanced at me, very confused as to why I'm laughing and smiling as our pastor continues to rant about the nuclear armament of Iran and how we need to protect Israel from nuclear annihilation (yeah, because if we launch at Iran, everyone will back off...). So I'm just relaxing in church as people all around me start their nervous twittering (not a reference to the stupid constant update) about the state of things. Me... I'm one person. I'll just keep listening to music, going to concerts and movies, crushing on boys, getting through grad school... I know where I'm going when Jesus comes back. Will I have a lot to answer for? Absolutely since I've got the mouth of a sailor. But I'm not exactly concerned about the end of the world. It'll end at some point... whether I'm here to witness the nuclear fallout or not.

I'm a bad Christian anyways - I should be worried about the souls of my friends if they're not saved. I am fatalistic though. They made their decisions. I'm not going to browbeat people with my faith. I get pissed when someone attacks my faith though, calling it illogical and a crutch. Ok, so parts don't make sense. Yeah, most of chemistry doesn't make sense to me either. Human emotions don't make sense to me all the time. We are illogical creatures (what other creature kills for fun, kills any other time than when it feels threatened; maybe we're just all rabid). Seriously, humanity itself is illogical which should tell you that we came from somewhere with a mind. Only reason can make something illogical. So feel free to call my faith illogical as long as you're willing to admit that there's a possibility we're products of an illogical God. I don't get it though - I'm not harping on people about being atheists. I'll readily admit that it - to me - it takes more faith to believe that there is nothing above us. That we're it. Why is it such an issue to believe I was created by a higher being? I believe in evolution in the sense of adaptation to environment. I've got an issue with evolution as happy accidents creating something from nothing. Do I believe this world is only 6,000 years old? I don't know... I honestly don't. As for Jesus Christ, I'll stick with what CS Lewis said in Mere Christianity - He's either Lord, a lunatic, or a liar. You can't claim him as a prophet because he himself claims to be the Son of God, to be the one sent to save humanity. That's why I don't understand Islam or Mormons claiming him as a prophet. So it's either accept Christ for who he says he is, or believe that a completely insane man was lying to you about everything. Unless you're totally fine with selective belief - he can lie about who he is all he wants, lie about his credibility, and still be a moral leader.

Well, we've done that in our country plenty of times. We believe that someone's capability as a leader is separate from his personal life. Too bad teachers aren't held to that same moderately low standard of behavior. In Florida, a DUI can cost you your job. Smoking on school property (not in front students obviously) or having a tryst with another teacher can get you fired. But we can't seem to hold our own presidents up to the same standards of not having sex at work and that whole crimes against humanity thing recently.

I'm just rambling, but that's what this is for, right? I'll go back, read this later, and think damn. I would score this an F if I was grading it because there's no logical flow or coherent thought to it. It brick walls the reader and opinions are not supported. Meh... I'll support them later when I reread this.

I swear to God I'm aging backwards. I'm doing now in grad school what everyone did as undergrads. That desire to just take off and go somewhere for a couple of days... yup, doing it now for the fun of it. Taking random days off to just veg, pretend to do homework and instead watch horror movies and listen to music... yup, doing that now. It's awesome.

It snowed like crazy last night. I'm talking at least four or five inches in Greensboro alone. It started snowing around eight last night and didn't stop until early this morning. Freakin' winter wonderland outside. So I wake up and immediately throw on jeans and a hoodie to go play in the snow. I made a snow angel! I sunk in so deep... like the snow was seriously almost to the top of my shoulder. I made some snow balls and threw them at a tree down the hill from my apartment. I attempted a snowman, but that failed epically and I ended up with a little snow buddha. He's too cute to be mad at though. :)

So here I am, unable to work because the schools are shut down. I can't even go to campus to do homework in the library because our whole campus is shut down. Which I seriously don't mind. This free time allowed for me to go down to the trail behind our complex. The creek is crazy full, almost overflowing. I also busted like crazy in some mud because it had collected in a tunnel under the road and I wasn't paying attention to how I was walking. I decided the best way to get sorta clean before getting home was to jump in a snow bank on the side of the creek. :)

It was freakin' awesome. I was just laughing hysterically to no one but myself. Seriously... who needs illicit substances? I just go fall in mud and snow banks completely sober and probably look like I escaped from the nearby counseling center...

I'm loving it! But this snow thing is too much work. I could not imagine having to scrape my car every morning to go somewhere. I scraped my car for the fun of it to see what it's like. Oh geebus, there was like four inches of snow piled up all over my car! And what's the trick to it? I was getting snow all over myself in attempting this and I'm like, well, dude. Do you have to go down in sweats to do this, then go back into your house to get ready for work? Because I wouldn't do this in my work clothes... I had snow all over me so of course I was drenched after a few minutes. It was fun though. :)

I already knew I wasn't staying in Greensboro (or North Carolina in general) once I graduate in May 2010. But today has showed me that I'm pretty much not going north. I've always wanted to live somewhere like Boston or DC or Seattle, but I don't think I'm cut out for this... Growing up in areas that never saw snow ever... it's a sign. I'm not meant to live in snow areas unless the man of my dreams drags me there. So pretty much I'm going home to Florida or California when I get my degree. My dad wants me back in Orlando, but he knows I would love the desert that are the foothills in soCal. Meh... I've got another year.

And now I sit, watching "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and laughing my head off. The movie channels are having some Johnny Depp love-in or something. Last night, "The Ninth Gate" was on and this morning, "Sweeney Todd". After all this, I'll throw on "Nightmare on Elm Street" and enjoy before their freakin' kill it with their douchebag remake that won't even have Robert Englund in it! Those eyes... it's really all about the eyes and movements and voice... I'll stop that rant before it gets worse.

Yeah, I fangirl happily. I'm slightly shallow and if there are good-looking men in a band, I will happily squee when they are half-naked on stage at the end of the set. Oh yeah...

Headed over to Raleigh last night for the Shinedown show. Dude, I've seen them a number of times since they played in Orlando frequently, but last night they put on a two hour set. Oh dear god, it was intense. :)

( Oh Eric Bass... you're an amazing addition to the band though I've loved them since the beginning. )

I really am loving the freedom grad school affords me. I can just take off and drive four hours to a show to see a couple of my favorite bands. I don't have to work every day and the jobs I have are easy to take off. I'm finally doing what people did as undergrads... I loves it!

Dude, the drive to and from the show in Pikeville, Kentucky was almost as entertaining as the show itself. Seriously... Pikeville is this cute little town in the middle of the mountains which meant that no major highway connected the damn place to anywhere. I'm hoping those tour busses took 23/119 in and out of that place because 460 would be perilous. My directions took me 460 into town which was the ultimate mountain road, complete with tiny little backwoods communities along the way. You're cruising along at 55 or so (off an on given sharp curves and hills) and then suddenly you're riding your breaks because the speed limit drops to 30 through town. The hills were fun though. I did get pulled over by a very kind Virginia trooper. He took pity on me and didn't cite me for doing 70 in a 55 because I was coming down a steep hill and I had no idea I hit that high. I was like, dude, I was riding my breaks and shifting into low gear. So he was very kind and let me go. I was really watching myself on those roads after that... I was also watching the sharp drop-offs to my right when I went around a left curve...

The drive home was even better. I left around... 12:30 or 1? I was chillin' outside the venue near the busses with a couple of other girls, just chatting and goofing. However, we waited a little over an hour and still hadn't seen the bands. Granted, I've never hung around busses before. The bands that I've met and know are definitely not nearly arena-level like A7X and Papa Roach, so this is new to me. Prior shows, I've never waited because it seems like an exercise in futility. Last night was solely because it was so freakin' cold and I had a four-hour drive home. The girls I was hanging out with think all the bands were partying hard since it was Saving Abel's last night on the tour (score! I won't have to sit through them in Asheville!). So be it. But the drive home... so I took an alternate route. Took 23/119 out of town this time and it was definitely a bigger road (two lanes on each side), but they were still mountain roads. And when you're the only one on the road... with no street lights... through mountains... your brights pretty much worthless against the total blackout... it was good times. However, my turn-off from 23 was 58. Yeah... so for about 50 miles, I'm back on a two-lane road through pitch-blackness. By this time, it was about 2:30. I tried coming up with some original horror movie plot lines as I drove through. I was also creating some contingency plans should my car break down in the middle of these roads. After all, it was dropping below 30 degrees and I sure as hell wasn't walking anywhere. Didn't help my cell got no reception. It was awesome! Then I hit the highways and it was an easy drive the rest of the way home.

Speaking of backwoods, at the show I was chatting with this woman who was sitting near me. She had her 11-year-old daughter with her who is obsessed with Jacoby. The girl has good taste. But damn if this woman didn't embody every small town stereotype imaginable. She was my age... and had an 11-year-old. She also has a 3- and 1-year-old. All with a man who beats her senseless, is always hammered (as is she normally, from what I understand), and this man is now serving five years for grand theft. And she doesn't want to leave him because now that he's in prison for a prolonged period of time, he's become ripped and hot. I'm like, what? So she shows me a picture... yeah, I don't see the appeal, but maybe it was the orange jumpsuit that was really putting me off. Don't get me wrong. She and her daughter was fun to chat with, but it always fascinates me when I meet people who fit stereotypes. It's like... I try to give the benefit of the doubt, but damn.

( And now for the show! )

So when I've been to local shows in Orlando, I usually know someone in the band or I know people at the show who have been around the scene for a while. Yeah, that didn't translate up here in Greensboro since I don't freakin' know anyone up here into the same music scene. I had to be the only person in this place who didn't know someone in one of the bands personally, or came with someone who knew someone in the bands. I'm like, hanging out by myself the entire night. I tried striking up a conversation with a couple of guys my age... that didn't seem to go for very long. At one point, I was in the bathroom kind of looking at myself going, alright... I'm dressed fine, I look alive... maybe that was my problem. I didn't look hardcore enough talk to. :) Either way, I found it entertaining that I couldn't get guys at a rock concert to talk to me. I am that damn awesome.

I headed over to Somewhere Else Tavern (little dive bar that's a lot of fun) tonight for some local bands out of Asheville. The first two... so not impressed. The first band - no clue on name - were purely instrumental and fun in that 70s Hendrix/jam band sort of way. However, there wasn't enough originality for them to ever go anywhere with it. The second band just sucked. When your main lyrics are, "Sit on my mushroom, sit on my face," or some version of it in every song, no one's really going to care.

Convalescence was awesome. They're like... well, like most hardcore bands when just starting out. Songs are similar in guitar riffs because they haven't been around long enough to actually differentiate tones. Nice guys though.

But seriously, Machines of Sin and Sorrow were incredible. In most hardcore/metal/wtf genre heading goes here, dueling guitars harmonize. I'm so not a guitar player, but you know, they're playing essentially the same thing just octaves apart. These guys instead played against each other. It was like, well, it was almost like a conversation with the guitars. There were two different melodies playing, but they went together. It was freakin' cool to listen because it was a fuller sound... and it was a different sound. Their lead guitarist was wicked awesome and the rhythm guitarist was good. He would drop into lead every once in a while and it's like, hold up, when did he stomp his pedal to change? The bassist was so damn good that he made up for the drummer having only a single bass kick. It was like... the screaming was there to make it hardcore, but the speed of the guitars and bass were more old-school metal. The drummer was awesome, but he really didn't utilize his bass kick it sounded like.

Absolutely loved these guys. I cut out before the last band because of a gnarly headache from the smoking. So I have no earthly idea who played last. I'm loving my concert kick though. Had a good time tonight and I've got Papa Roach/A7X on Tuesday night, and Shinedown this upcoming Saturday. And... if I can swing it with a coworker, I may get to go see Earshot in a couple of weeks. Freakin' Earshot! I have never seem them live! They're another one of those bands that I have no earthly idea when or where I first heard them (I'm sure it was WJRR in high school), but damn if I don't adore every cd they've put out. Good times to be had. :)

Well, damn. I wanted to head over to Raleigh today to see As I Lay Dying, but then a friend called and wanted to chill during the Super Bowl. Totally cool, but oh wells on the show. I need to get my tickets for Shinedown at the end of the month. The place they're playing really isn't that big and I don't need to be showing up day of show and finding it sold out.

It feels good to be going to shows again. I kind of gave up on them when I was teaching full time because of coaching and just being tired all the time. I still can't believe I passed up She Wants Revenge back in May when they hit HoB. Though I do have my preferences - as much as I would love to see Slipknot, I'm not a Coheed fan. Suffered through the band years ago when they co-headlined with Avenged and I really don't want to see them again. Trivium would be awesome, but they would play first, have a half hour set, and then I would be bored for an hour, and then finally see Slipknot. Well, that and the money I would have to spend... I'm already driving to Kentucky come end of the month to see Avenged since only God knows when they would be back in North Carolina. I mean, damn. When a band tells you it's their first time in the area and they've been touring for how many years... I did manage to talk Lindsey into Warped in Charlotte. I've been to Warped twice in my life (and I know Linds and I will be some of the oldest people there outside of parents... we're in our mid-twenties for Chrissakes). But hey, Bad Religion, Bouncing Souls, Senses Fail, Thrice, Underoath, Black Tide, Anti-Flag... why not? NOFX is always good for fun, but I got to be honest. I had no idea The Ataris were still together. I have a disc of theirs... whichever one has that song about the guy needs to unlock the passenger side door, let the girl in, and if she doesn't reach over to unlock his door, she's not worth it. Yeah... old disc, got it in high school. I' not into that scene much though, so hopefully my ignorance of their continued existence is forgiven.

Need to hit Charlotte and Raleigh for more shows. Find some new bands. I'm diggin' Evading the Grave here in North Carolina, but I can't make it to their show in Thomasville next Friday because of work. Orlando had a decent local scene. I miss Poverty Branch and the Dark Romantics.

And damn on the Super Bowl! Almost as intense as last year with that last score by the Giants... I still think the Steelers' 100-yard interception/touchdown was wicked. I didn't really care which team won, but I was watching with an Arizona fan who was flipping out the entire last five minutes. It was entertaining to watch her. I think the damn funniest moment was Bruce Springsteen sliding crotch-first into the camera. He hit his knees and didn't realize he had that much momentum. Freakin' awesome. :)

Edit: I adore the admins at deathbatnews for the link to this winning awesomeness.


And jeebus... I forgot how much tattoos itch when you artist is heavy-handed and they're almost healed. Rawr...

Yes, thoughts so deep in this journal... well, in the public realm anyway.

I wish I could remember what I had written about Hannah before I hiccuped on my profile coding and deleted it. But this is better - it's been over two years. I can look back at my friendship with Hannah and the rather abrupt end of it without crying. I'll attempt to explain that friendship here...

Hannah Michelle Pratt passed away on Friday, October 13, 2006. She was my best friend; she was that kind of friend that could crawl into those dark places of your mind and instead of being disgusted, would shine some light and force you to start cleaning up the mess. She was a sweet type of confrontational. I could wallow in self-pity any time I wanted, but Hannah forced me to find the solution. She was not like me in that when she called someone out, it was not a forceful owning up to a situation. Rather, she would sneak in and you would be admitting the issue before you realized in which direction the conversation was heading. I would never call her manipulative because it was never to her own end that she did this. I saw her hurt for people that she knew needed to acknowledge something in their heads because they couldn't heal without seeing it... whatever it was.

Every time I saw that girl, she did that. When we hung out, we were any other two young women. We overanalyzed situations with boys that we were interested in, we discussed the merits of hot actors and musicians (and we never saw eye to eye on any man), and we ripped apart other girls in the privacy of our two-person conversations. But inevitably, the conversations turned serious amidst the stereotypical girl discussions. As Christians, we forced ourselves to admit our frustrations, our struggles, our doubts. I don't think my major struggles are too secret - I'm tired of waiting on God. What is it I need to learn or do before I meet the man I am to marry? Hannah was of the same mind. Her waiting extended beyond a man though. When would God take her out of this limbo and either give her lungs or just take her down?

All of our issues with our faith were jokes with us because neither of us could something seriously if we couldn't joke about it. She told me once that she got in trouble with other CF patients she knew because when one started coughing badly, she said, "Hey, no dying allowed." It was something I always said to her during a coughing fit or on those days she wasn't up to doing more than moving from bed to couch. It made for a laugh... and laughing... go figure that's what caused her pain post-transplant. The one thing she and I did so well together - laugh about life - and it caused her pain.

I don't know when we got so close. Anything important in my life... I can never pinpoint the moment it became important to me. The only thing I can compare it to is music. I have no earthly idea where or when I first heard Static-X, Shinedown, Avenged Sevenfold, Breaking Benjamin. I don't remember the first Divine Child show I went to (who then became Denison Marrs who are no longer together... and I think I saw them at an outdoor show opening for Dear Eph, but I really don't remember. I do remember seeing them when Solomon's Porch was in existence downtown and I got Eric's busted guitar strings. I still have a couple of them... ten years later). My favorite bands and I couldn't tell you anything about where my fascination started. I couldn't even tell you how I came by the first cds of theirs I had.

It's the same thing with Hannah. Sure, I can remember the first time I met her because it was my first time at First Baptist Union Park and I was still really bitter and cynical about having to move to Florida. But when did we become best friends? I truly have no answer. She was Cassie Solesky's friend first... that's where we really started hanging out. But when did it become Hannah and I without other kids from the youth group? Was it when I was kicked out/dropped out? I know we were really close before she went on the inactive list years ago... all I do know is that she had sort of wormed her way into my brain and my heart. And God did it hurt when suddenly she wasn't there anymore.

I mentioned above that she was tired of waiting on God. Well, finally! She got the call on August 30, 2006, that a pair of lungs awaited her in Gainesville. The family went into hyperdrive. Hannah was nervous, but playing it cool (she had to as Coleman - her dad - was freaking out, thinking he left the stove on). August 31, 2006 was the day. I don't believe in coincidences. August 31, 2006 was the only hurricane day we had off of work that year. I did not have to go in to work, in the middle of the week, for pretty much no reason. God was looking out for me too because I was a wreck like no one's business all day.

She called me about a week later, barely able to talk because she couldn't get the words out. I got to see her two weeks after that. I've told people (and I know it was here before) how I made her laugh which caused her to go into a wicked coughing fit. Unfortunately, with chest tubes running up into her body, the coughing was excruciating. I don't even try to attempt an analogy for what it must have felt like. She clutched a pillow to her entire midsection, trying to hold the tubes stationary while her body jerked. And I couldn't do a damn thing to help her. I caused the pain and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I held on to her leg, just to... I don't know. It seems cliche to say to let her know she wasn't alone. But she was because I don't know what this pain could feel like. I was crying - and that girl put her hand on my head to comfort me! She was the one in pain and she was comforting me!

Like I said, Hannah just sort of wormed her way into getting you to acknowledge what needed to be acknowledged. That's just how Hannah worked. Nothing overt, nothing in-your-face. Just a hand on your head, stroking your head. Just a hug when you think you didn't need one. Just a laugh when all you wanted to do was hold the grudge. It was unexpected every time and a welcome change.

She was by no means perfect. I remember how we left her diary on the table to the left of her casket at the funeral. Hahahahahaha! I wonder if anyone read it. I learned something recently and over two years later, my first thought was, Hannah needs to know this! She'll love this! But alas... but she would have gotten a kick out of being right, even if it was a very vindictive type of being right. No, she was absolutely not perfect and could hold grudges with the best of anyone. That's what I loved about her - how human she was. She could get angry and rant; she could annoy me just like I could annoy her.

She was so human that she wasn't ready to go when it was her time. She was fighting the infection that took her, the aspergillus pneumonia that grew some crazy bacteria in her body. Hannah's last text to me was two days before she died - "I'm so swollen I feel like I have a penis!" I still laugh when I think about that because well, only Hannah was the more subtle of the two of us. I was usually the obnoxiously blunt one and then she bests anything I could ever say with that one statement. That swelling could not be stopped and at approximately 12:30 pm on Friday, October 13, 2006, Hannah Michelle Pratt left. By some miracle, it was another day off work and I happened to be walking into my parents' house, who happened to be home, and my father happened to catch me before I hit the ground sobbing. God finally made Hannah stop waiting... and now I wait.

Good stuff coming up in Febrary, March, and April -

A7X in February in Kentucky (yes, I'm driving four hours to see them; I don't know when they're coming back to Greensboro)

Shinedown in February in Raleigh (*giddy*)

Jeff Dunham/Brian Haner in March in Winston-Salem (*dancing*)

Enter the Haggis in... somewhere nearby in April

Debating on As I Lay Dying at the beginning of February... would be awesome to see them live... it's only in Raleigh...

Depending on Cassie's timetable (as to when she's leaving), I should be heading to Charlotte this weekend for Horrorfest. There's only three movies I really want to see so I'm hoping to knock them all out on Saturday. If anything, I'll see Repo! on Saturday as well. Finally...

Amidst all of this, I'm losing my roommate to somewhere else for a few months due to lack of jobs in our area. I is sad.

I'm homesick. For the first time since moving to North Carolina, I'm homesick for Orlando. I miss my brothers, my sister, and my sister-in-law. I miss my dad. I miss working at Universal during the holidays and goofing off with friends. I miss Cherisse. I miss the concerts that used to come through town all the time.

I miss Orlando. So I'm going to go occupy my time with looking up more information about the LSAT and law schools. Well, that and some LHC and CERN as well because it's good to be a geek. And I'm tired of my family... there is no escape when I come to California. Not anymore anyway since bridges have exploded, imploded, and any other -odeds one can think of.

Joel McHale (Talk Soup) was on Conan last night and make a reference to Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men by referring to the other two Kardashian sisters as Lennie and George. It made me laugh because I love intelligent humor by attractive men. :)

It was nice to laugh after being told I'm going to have to drop $1000 on my car to fix five or six different leaks (three of which I knew about and ignored for a long, long time). My car is at Goodyear overnight so I can't take Candice's job tomorrow at Southeast. That bites as well, I need money. It comes down to this - I don't know if my car really will last through my graduation and subsequent job hunt. It's a year and a half away.

So I'm having a huge debate with myself right now. The more immediate issue - do I keep my Charlotte class next semester? As of right now, I will have to drive to Charlotte once a week for class. That's a 170-mile round-trip in one day on my car. That's a tank of gas in one day on my car. I really don't think I should go through with it and I'm tempted to follow my gut on this. However, if I give up the Charlotte class, that means I give up the business reference class I really want to take. 620 (the class in Charlotte) is offered in Greensboro at the same time business reference is offered. 620 is offered every semester as it is a core class; it's also a prereq for the business reference class and I'm able to take them as coreqs. I don't know if the business reference class will be offered again in fall 09. It's frustrating because I want to go special libraries - corporate or law. I want to do cataloging within those special libraries, but trying to find an advanced cataloging class at Chapel Hill is for the birds. Maybe fall 09.

So then if I drop the Charlotte class and take the 620 class here in Greensboro, I may or may not get to take the business reference class another semester. But this also puts me at two classes for the semester. That is still full-time for graduate students at UNCG. There's another class I may take - a media productions class that could be useful in both libraries and corporate settings. I'm still tempted to go for it, especially if I need to cut the Charlotte class because of my car and limited funds. I think I'm going to do it due to projected personal budgeting.

And it's been done. I'm no longer driving to Charlotte once a week next semester because there is no way my car (or wallet) can handle it. I'll get a rental car too to go home over spring break. I want to go back to work at Universal for a bit, just to hang out with friends and goof off at work again. I really do miss Universal.

I'll let you in a little secret. My dream post-graduation would be to get a job at Universal in HR or legal. Universal Orlando is a massive corporation. They've got to have a corporate library somewhere and I am more than willing to work there. Working at Universal again would be pretty much the only reason to move back to Orlando. Then again, whenever I do get married and have kids (if either ever actually happen), I want to raise my kids near my dad.

But... I would love to work at the public library in downtown Seattle or work in cataloging at the Library of Congress (since all new systems come out of LoC anyway). I want to revamp the reject that is the MARC system; it's time to do away with the arbitrariness of it all. Those are options I desire... as for reality, we all know how it likes to *****slap us when we're not paying attention. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing after graduation. Part of it is awesome, but at the same time, trying to tailor a program to a plan I don't have is brutal, so I'm trying to focus it. I think I'm failing hardcore. :)

I really should work on my final paper for 650, but I have no desire to. I have all the quotes from text I want to use, but I haven't gotten beyond that yet.

And I'm going to keep applying for full-time jobs at UNCG. May as well, you know?

Wicked show...

Amazing bands...

Beautiful men in those bands (Zacky was RIGHT THERE!)...

Helped break up a really bloody fight in the pit... ended up with blood all over my hands and arms...

Deliciously bruised...

Happy... :)

Alrighty, so I had read all the reviews and knew there was going to be melodrama, an overdose of angst, but then... I've read the books. If you walk into this movie not expecting those items and not prepared to accept them, then you're taking the books way too seriously. I had read some reviews that said Kristen Stewart wasn't good enough, that Rob Pattinson couldn't act, that Jackson Rathbone (mmmmm) looked constipated, etc. Well, I loved the movie so nyeh.

( Serious spoilers and seriously long )

So I'm subbing in this music class all week (still have to go back tomorrow). This kid decides he's going to slam his hardback textbook on the table repeatedly. I ask him to stop. He does not - kid doesn't even look at me. So I put my hand in the way. It's either assault me or stop. What does he do? He slams the textbook repeatedly into his own forehead.

I ask him to stop (after I'm stupefied momentarily by the force with which he's abusing himself). Again, he does not even acknowledge me. So I ignore him, go back to teaching, wincing ever so slightly when I hear the thud. He then dives under the table. Wtf???

No big under the table. At least, not until he kicks kid #2 between the legs. I manage to get kid #2 over to another seat so a fight doesn't ensue. I'm not sitting on the table, just so I'm near the first kid. He then darts out from under the table (I grabbed his wrist, but he got away from me) and proceeds to slam the textbook hard into the back of kid #2's head.

So what does the first kid do? He takes off running right towards me. Yeah, like I'm going to protect him. I immediately stick my foot out and he face plants into the ground. I put my foot on his hip right as kid #2 runs up to kick and punch the first kid. I grab kid #2 around the waist and literally pick him up (hey, he's a fifth grader and comes up to my chest at most) to bear hug him to me. He can't move and I'm stepping on the first kid.

Admin gets there, hauls both kids off and proceeds to tell me this is NORMAL BEHAVIOR for the first kid. Wtf?

Papa Roach is amazing live. Oh dear god, I saw them last year at Earthday Birthday and got the piss beaten out of me. Greensboro is much more tame (no pit whatsoever), but Coby Dick... he's a beautiful man and has a voice made for live performance. He doesn't eat the mic like other guys so his vocals are clear. He came out into the crowd too, ended up maybe ten feet from where Cassie and I stood. There was no way I could have gotten to him without running over a few people. But yes, absolutely amazing live and I so wish I could have shown some respect with a pit... but alas... I think I'm finally growing up and realizing my gentler gender.

Seether - good live show. Music was amazing, but dude needs to stop eating the mic. They did a cover of STP's "Half a Man" and it was an exact cover. Very well done. While excellently performed, I thought the show kind of came to a grinding halt when they brought out the acoustic and sang "Broken". Beautifully done, but man... going from some hard rock to that...

Staind... eh. They play well live, but I'm just not into them anymore.